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Sometimes, I don't want to be funny, because the crushing weight of things happening in life threatens to smother my sense of humor.
Sometimes, I am so angry with the situation life has dealt that I can't fathom trying to stay positive.
And sometimes, I just plain hate being a woman.
I think it is incredibly unfair that a woman who earns money in time spent equal or greater to the time spent of her working husband is held to a different standard than said husband. Why are women expected to cook dinner, clean the kitchen, and put the children to bed (and wake up all night long with them) when we are doing the same amount of work as men during the day (in fact, in my case, I am doing more). Women are expected to want to be the primary caretaker of the household, even if they are also considered the breadwinner for the family.
It is a dichotomy that affects me directly. Because, the sad thing is that I am often called neglectful of my family if I choose to take care of myself. So for instance, if I want to go to bed before the kid because I have to get up at the butt-crack of dawn to get myself to work at an early-enough hour to allow getting home to cook, clean, and put the kid to bed at a reasonable hour, then I am judged to be a horrible mother. Why wouldn't I want to sacrifice my sleep and health to spend every waking minute with my kid?
The funnier thing is that the other day I could feel my body battling some sort of nasty virus. I had terrible stomach pain, a headache, all my bones ached, I couldn't see straight. I told Hubs I was coming home early, that I wasn't feeling well. And he said, "You have been sick too much."
Wow.
Really? Because I see it as I'm exhausted. And that with each time I am made to feel guilty by wanting to take care of my body, I get sick from it. If you want me to do perform my "motherly" duties perfectly and work a full-time job, then I'm going to get sick. And if I try to get better, by resting, then I can't perform my "motherly" duties.
It's a Catch 22 of epic proportions. I'm judged for not wanting to engage with my family, but when I do engage (and work), I find myself worn out and sick. When I try to get rest, I'm judged for not wanting to engage with family. Why is it that I am judged for being a bad working mother if I need time to rest from working? Why is it that I can't seem to win?
My hero (re: bloggy love) is Kami over at The Fence. She too is a working mom, but one that is honest about the fact that even though she loves her job, she is no less of a mother. (P.S. Read everything she's written. She's brilliant...and incredibly funny)
And the lesson I've taken from Kami is that sometimes you just have to say "get off my f-in' back" and do what you need to do. I know I love Potato more than anything. And I need to work, not only for my own sanity, but because we just don't have the financial resources to live where we live on one salary. So, if I need to go to sleep because I'm tired, I'm going to sleep.
And I am not less of a mother for it. In fact, in the long run, I will be a better one.
11 comments:
i'm not a parent so i can't directly relate, but your conclusion is the same rationale i use for being an intern. taking responsibility for the care of anyone other than yourself--children, spouses, or patients--requires that you first take care of yourself in order to offer your best to others. as my teacher says, "if you are flying with someone who needs assistance--who needs to breathe first? there is wisdom in airplane oxygen mask instructions. you can't save anyone if you're dead."
Being a working mom is hard. There ain't no doubt about it. We do the best we can, bitch when we need to bitch and try to damn hard to see our own value. Because as far as I'm concerned, the most difficult part of this whole gig is the putting on a happy face. Every day. For hours. To prove to ourselves, our kids and our spouses that we are ok. It's exhausting. But, it gets easier. As the kids get older, it definitely gets easier. And if my damned IUD wasn't playing hormonal mind games with me, I think I'd be a rather happy gal. The balancing is all part of the fun, right?!
Sarah, I love you. Thank you for your kind words and this pained and thoughtful post. For what it's worth, you're in good company.
Kudos to you for keeping it real about being a working mom.
I worked full time as a single mom for a full year between my divorce and my remarriage (yeah, I never expected to meet someone so fast) and that was by far the absolutel toughest and most exhausting year of my life.
I do not know how working mothers do it.
Truly, you amaze me!
If you try to learn to believe in yourself, then nobody can really "judge" you, because you can trust in what you are doing. I hope you can learn not to worry about what "other people" think. You are smarter and more knowledgable than they are, so they are to be disregarded. This is your family and your life -- you are an adult and you can do what you wish. Learn from your own father's mistakes and try not to be hypersensitive about "others."
*huge squishy hugs*
I have said this very same thing more times than I can count. And, because I "work" from home (and I do work now, I'm nannying for a friend as well as being home with my kids) it's not always viewed as "real" work by some of the people in my life. Believe me though, I know exactly where you're coming from. We have two full time jobs and I don't care what all the parenting magazines say, finding time for ME in the midst of giving myself to everyone else is next to impossible.
I'm working on not feeling guilty for that me time. I go walking, right after dinner, and leave the kids with hubby and he just has to deal with it. And I enjoy my walks. I more or less dropped everything and went to LA for four days (to see a play that Torri Higginson from Stargate: Atlantis was in - it was amazing!) and hubby just had to step up and do my job for a while. And you know what? They all survived four days without me. And hubby now truly appreciates what I do everyday.
Take care of you and try (and believe me I know it's not easy) not to feel guilty about it. And tell hubby that you're entitled to time to be sick to! :P
When I was a kid and my sister and I weren't pulling our weight or appreciating what my mom was doing she went on strike. It was probably just a few hours but it felt like more. I don't think I'd ever thought about everything she was doing for us enough to appreciate it. It's so easy for people take us for granted and assume that we can do everything because we've (just barely) managed to do everything so far.
I know it may sound cliche and damn hard to do but maybe a weekend away sans kids and partner is in order. You certainly need it and he certainly needs to understand what you do. But more than that, he needs to understand that you can't run on empty forever and he needs to step up and take on some more of the work at home. I know, easier said than done but whatever you can do to keep yourself together is well worth it.
Now all you have to do is remember to breathe.
Way to go Sarah! I don't have kids, but I feel the same way - why am I supposed to cook, clean, do the laundry etc? I work full time. I am not home any more than my husband, and we don't have a yard for him to mow, so come on man - pull your weight! We have been married for 5 years and sometimes I still have to look at him and say "I am not your maid!" It isn't easy, but it works!
It's the hardest thing we have ever done, isn't it. Not the mothering (that's hard enough) but the juggling..oh God the juggling. Trying to be a good Mom, while a professional, while trying to be a wife all the while trying to keep ourselves from shutting down with exhaustion. I know everyone's "Mom situation" comes with it's on set of issues, but the working Moms well we get kicked in the nads in every direction, don't we?
Wow, look at all these lengthy comments! Looks like you hit a button...and you seriously did. First, I would start threatening punches to the face because when you are too exhausted mentally and physically from being a working mom, there's too much on your plate to deal with stupidity with any more words than that. It's sweet. It's simple. It gets the point across.
Secondly, it is imperative to take care of yourself first. Otherwise, all those nay sayers in your life are going to be kicking themselves in the asses when you are in the hospital from some infection and they are dealing with all the work they should have been helping you with all along.
Thirdly, you deserve an award. Here it is:
"To me, You are Perfect"
Like it? the idea was born tonight. Maybe they'll be a button that follows, but that would require I do more stuff.
Honestly, this is the plight of all working moms. Time at work/ time with kids/ time for the house/ time for you? It all sucks and the people around you need to be more supportive. If they aren't that way themselves, you have to force them to be and do what you need to do to be the best mom you can (which includes going to sleep early).
I do not understand the mentality of some people who thing that "women's work" is really just that. Though, before we had a baby and I worked full time...I was still the one that did the bulk of the house work. Peter truly just does not notice the grime or the dust. I guess he doesn't feel the yuck underfoot. He does, however, miss it when he doesn't have clean undies. Fucker will do just a load of his own laundry though. Will fold and put his stuff away too...when I've done it all. He's "afraid" of doing mine wrong. Grrrr it's like they do it wrong just once to make sure you never ask them to do it again!
Thanks for all the comments, ladies. I am glad that some of you find peace with this. I really feel that if we are going to be a mom "community" that we need to stand by each other.
@Amber, my husband is like that too. I will ask him why he just didn't do his own dishes rather than leaving them in the sink. He says that he doesn't care if there are dirty dishes in the sink. Well when the cockroaches come back, he will care!
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