My Young Jedi Master

I feel like I always talk badly about Potato.  I'm not trying to.  But having a special needs kid is hard, and the only way I cope is to "complain" in a funny (at least to me) way.

Having a special needs child can sometimes make me feel like a bad mother...as if everything I could possibly do, I don't do well enough or with enough dilligence to make a difference in his (or her) fragile life. Even worse, while I am complaining about the feeding tube leakage or his stubborn attitude, he is sitting over there being cute and cuddly and teaching me a lot about life.

Don't believe me?  I thought you might not.  But Potato is really like a little Yoda, teaching me things that I didn't think were in him, let alone in myself.  Here I have put together a list of the top 8 virtues that having my special-needs (read: special in every way) baby has taught me.

1. Patience 
One of the first things I learned (and am still learning) about Potato is where and when to have patience.  I tend to compare everything he does developmentally to his peers.  So when at 12 months, he wasn't even rolling over yet, I was inconsolable.  The developmental pediatrician asked me, "And how does Potato get from Point A to Point B?"  I responded, "I carry him," and immediately, the look of concern came over his face.  All of a sudden, terms like "CP" and "brain damage" were thrown about.

Fast forward to 15 months of age and in the last 2 weeks, Potato has learned to roll, crawl, and pull to standing.  I feel that every time I look into his eyes, he is saying, "be patient Mom.  I'll do it on my own eventually."

2. Courage
We always joke that Potato is one of the most fearless babies we know.  Not only did he survive 6 months in the NICU, a 17-hour plane ride in the economy section of a jumbo jet (in an incubator, no less), and countless surgical procedures with no fear, he is constantly seeking out the unknown. For instance, he never cries when we enter a doctor's office.  And when a big dog sticks his snout near Potato's face, Potato simply reaches out and gives the dog a loving pat.

I don't have nearly the same amount of raw courage that Potato has, to have lived through so much and not be afraid of anything.  It's one of the things I love him for the most.

3. Forgiveness
I am constantly blaming myself for what happened.  That if I took better care of myself, or didn't have chronic hypertension, that Potato wouldn't have been born as early.  All of his problems stem from something that is my fault.

But Potato never faults me.  Potato doesn't hold a grudge. Mostly because he can't yet talk about what has happened. Without discussing it, without telling the story, it doesn't stay in his mind. That is a benefit I wish I had. Since I am the one that is constantly telling his story, I am the one that dwells on the past. Every time I have to recount his medical history to another specialist or doctor, I am the one going crazy because I remember and I am reminded. I am the one that gets frustrated.

If I could be like Potato and learn forgiveness, I would forgive myself for what has befallen our family. 

4. Kindness
Potato doesn't hate.  He doesn't like things, like food, but he at least treats the food with kindness, giving it gentle kisses before throwing it to the floor.

He is also kind to people.  He gives everyone a smile, regardless of if they are about to take his blood or just give him a hug.  He often holds the hands of little girls that happen to lay down next to him.  He is learning to share, and gets tickled pink when he hands me his ball and I say thank you.

In fact, one of his favorite things to do is sneeze.  When I say "Bless You," he dissolves into fits of giggles.  That is how kindness tickles him.  I wish it tickled me the same way.

5. Strength 
See forgiveness, determination, courage.  Potato has an inner strength unrivaled in most 20th century gurus (Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Oprah).

6. Optimism 
Potato lives every moment (that he isn't sleeping, that is) to its fullest. He breathes deeply, and he touches everything and everyone in an effort to really learn their essence. The amazing thing is that for the longest time, we never thought Potato would have much of a quality of life. But he doesn't let his maladies affect him. Death is not an option for him, it doesn't even cross his threshold. He just knows life. And that life is amazing to him.

I tend to talk dwell on things in the negative.  Potato sees things in the positive.  It doesn't sound like a match made in heaven, but truthfully, I become more optimistic when he's around.

7. Determination
I love watching Potato play, because I can actually see the wheels moving in his head as he sticks his hand out to grab a ball or turn a wheel. Most mothers just think that with repetition comes learning. But it's more than that. Potato is actively pushing himself to go farther and is actively challenging himself. Yes, he does fuss when he doesn't get the desired outcome, but that never stops him from trying again.

If he falls, he picks himself up.  If he gets frustrated, he takes a minute to reflect on how to do his task better.  I am determined to keep him from falling, but he knows that occasionally you fail.  If only I could stop dwelling on the failures and keep myself determined to succeed.

8. Acceptance
Potato doesn't judge people. He still loves the nurse who gave him his shots. In fact, he still flirts with her seconds after he is pricked. Just because the nurse hurt him, it doesn't mean he judges her or thinks of her differently.  He doesn't judge skin color.  He has two home nurses with darker skin than his family.  But he loves them equally.  He is not scared or discerning of people different than him.

So, if he can be so accepting of others, why do I feel unaccepting of him?  He is different than other babies, a difference I often feel like I have to explain.  Why can't I just accept him the way he is?


The truth is, although I have learned these virtues from Potato, I have yet to put them into practice.  Because, as Master Potato might say, "Beware the Dark Side. Anger, fear, and aggression; the Dark Side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight."  Not letting the Dark Side take control? That's the next step in this journey.