GTT: Valentine's Day of Atonement

In Judaism, the holiest day of the year is Yom Kippur, the “Day of Atonement.” The holiday signifies the culmination of a 10-day atonement period, where all Jews are required to atone for the year’s transgressions, including seeking forgiveness from those you have transgressed.

When I used to sit next to my mother, dressed in various shades of black with my bum falling asleep on the hard, wooden pew, I always thought it was silly that you could screw up all year and make it right in just one day. As long as I prayed hard that one day, my record was cleaned. But what does that solve? Nothing, really. I will still sin again, and year after year, I will ask forgiveness without ever learning NOT to sin.

Isn’t this the same as Valentine’s Day? Pardon the sacrilege, but think about it. Isn’t Valentine’s Day the only day of the year that a husband feels obligated to ask for forgiveness for all of the commandments he has broken?

Now, I am not talking about the normal commandments here, because really what husband would use V-Day to garner forgiveness for, let’s say, NOT remembering the Sabbath and keeping it holy. Really, I am speaking of the less familiar "husband"commandments, hereby known as "HC". The HC range from the elementary (thou shalt not check out thy wife’s best friend) to the more complex (thou shall not force thyself upon thy wife, especially if she claims to have Ebola, dysentery, or a migraine).

Unlike Yom Kippur, however, V- Day creates a pressure to properly “atone” through the purchase of gifts to various degrees. For instance, if your husband breaks the fifth HC -- thou shalt not leave thy toilet seat up lest thy wife, mother, or young child falleth in -- you can expect a small Whitman’s Sampler. But if your husband is anything like mine, and commits the cardinal sin of the 10th HC -- thou shalt not leave a sinkful of dishes and dinner still festering on the stove, whilst going to bed feigning exhaustion -- I should at least be getting a diamond worth a small fortune.

Hence, this is why I hate V- Day. Why should a husband (or wife for that matter) get one day to ask for forgiveness using flowers, candy, or an expensive dinner? Will anything be solved? No, because flowers won’t suddenly make her take out the trash (when she has forgotten 90 days out of 100) and candy won’t make you feel better about the fact that he got to go to a movie whilst you changed 18 poopy diapers.

Valentine’s Day is not necessarily about honoring happy marriages, but about masking marriage sins with gifts. So, I say, take me out to dinner, but do so on Wednesday, April 3. So that I know you love me for good reason, and not because you feel the need for forgiveness.

And since St. Valentine is not only the patron saint of love, but also of bee keepers, epilepsy, fainting, plague, travelers, and young people, I suggest that Valentine’s Day should be the day when we all feel dizzy, swap flavored honey, and go on vacation. What do you think?